Ice Ice Baby

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories of how they died.

First Woman - " I froze to death."

Second Woman - "You froze to death? How Horrible!"

First Woman - "Well, it wasn't so bad. After i quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second Woman - "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

First Woman - "So what happened?"

Second Woman - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up the stairs and into the attic then back down the stairs into the basement. Then I went through every closet and looked under every bed. I kept this up until I looked everywhere. Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First Woman - "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!"

Taking The BROWNS To The Super Bowl

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replies, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown! I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone, the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown! Tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal. I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressure is on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard but nothing comes out. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has but instead of farting, he shits the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-Time! Swicth sides!"

Sea of Love

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads....And you wonder why the ocean is so salty.

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Free Love

A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house and finds a couple sleeping. he orders the husband out of bed at knife-point and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes into the bathroom.

The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don;t resist. Just do whatever he tells you and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong honey, I love you!"

"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong honey, I love you!"

The Sound of Music Doggy Style

A musician is hired to play music for a movie but isn't told what the movie is about. two months later, he receives a notice that the movie will debut in a an adult theater.

On the night of the show, he wears a trench coat and shades to avoid being seen. He sits in the back row of the theater next to an elderly woman.

For the next two hours, he watches a hardcore porn where the lead actress has sex with a dog.

"I wrote the score", the man whispers tot he elderly woman halfway through the film. "I just came to the music."

"That's nice," she whispers back. "I just came to see my dog."

Trust No One

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first turns to the second and says, " You gotta go back and get the bottle opener or else we'll have no beer."

"No way," says the second turtle. "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food!"

"I promise, I won't," replies the first. "Just hurry."

Nine full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other digs into the sandwiches.

The second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!"

Code of Silence

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets".

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food".

The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good," the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Too Soon...?

Q: What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?
A: They both know what Roy tastes like.

Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson call up Boys II Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get sick?
A:Because he ate a six year old wiener.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get admitted into the Betty Ford Clinic?
A: To cure his 14-year old crack habit.

Thank You!...May I Have Another?

A mother finds a hardcore S&M magazine in her son's room. She shows it to her husband and asks, "What should we do?"

"Well, a spanking is probably out of the question," the husband replies.

Dog Eat Dog World

Q: Why does a dog lick his own balls?

A: Because he can't take a woman to dinner.


*Joke stolen from comedy genius Nick Di Paolo. Follow him on Twitter @nickdipaolo

In God We Trust

After a Sunday Sermon, a man stops to shake the preacher's hand. "Preacher," he says, "That was a damn good sermon! Damn good!"

"Thank you," the preacher says, "But I'd rather you not use that language in the house of the Lord."

"In fact," the man continues, "I was so damn impressed with that sermon, I put $2,000 in the collection plate."

"No shit?" the preacher says.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm off to Las Vegas," the wife explains. "On Jerry Springer today, I found out I can get $400 for giving a blowjob there. Figured I might as well get paid for something I do here for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs and returns with a packed suitcase.

"Where do you think you're going?" the wife moans.

"I'm coming with you honey," the man says. "I've got to see for myself how you survive on $800 a year."

Somebody Was Playing With Santa's Sack and She's a Ho Ho Ho!