This One Is For The Ladies...

Why do men becoming smarter during sex?
Because They're plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during sex?
Because they don't have enough time.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they don't stop to ask for directions.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they don't hump women's legs at the bar.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

The Shit Kids Say...

One day, a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She comes to the part of the story where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer.

She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused and then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"

One little boy raised his had and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

Black For 5 MInutes

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table, dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said, "Boy! What the hell are you doing?" The son gleefully replied, "Look Ma! I'm black!"

The mother slapped the shit out of her son and said, "Go show your father what you've done!"

The boy walked in to the den where his father was reading and said, "Look daddy! I'm black!" The father put down his magazine and with a very puzzled look on his face, slapped the shit out of the boy, and said, "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!"

The boy slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, "Um...grandpa... Look what I did! I'm black now!"

The grandpa grabbed the boy, bent him over his knee and gave him a spanking! Grandpa then said, "Now go back into that kitchen with your mama!"

The boy walks back into the kitchen and his mother says, "I hope you've learned your lesson young man!"

The boy says, "Hell yeah! I've been black for 5 minutes and I already hate you white motherfuckers!"

To Hell With That...!!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

SATAN: Why are you so down?

GUY: What do you think? I'm in hell!

SATAN: Hell isn't so bad. We have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

GUY: Sure, I love to drink!

SATAN: Well, you;re gonna love Mondays then! On Mondays, that's all we do is drink! Whiskey, Tequila, Beer, Wine Coolers, ...We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more@ And we don't worry about getting a hangover or destroying our liver because we're dead anyway!

GUY: Gee, that sounds great!

SATAN: You a smoker?

GUY: You better believe it!

SATAN: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays! We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember!

GUY: Wow...that's awesome!

SATAN: I bet you like to gamble.

GUY: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do!

SATAN: Cause on Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, you're dead anyway!... What about drugs?

GUY: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

SATAN: That's right! Thursday is drugs day! Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and never have to worry because you're dead!

GUY: WOW! I never realized hell was such a cool place!

SATAN: You gay?

GUY: No....

SATAN: Ooooh,... You're gonna hate Fridays.

Great Rejected Pick-MUp Line Comebacks For Men

MAN: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
WOMAN: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
MAN: Really? I hear it was because everyone there thinks you're a fat slut.

MAN: Is this seat empty?
WOMAN: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
MAN: Probably because you'd on your knees sucking my cock!

MAN: Your place or mine?
WOMAN: Both! You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
MAN: That's cool. Because after I finish giving you anal in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

MAN: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
WOMAN: Unfertilized.
MAN: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your face!

MAN: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
WOMAN: If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.
MAN: That works for me...as long as you're still warm when I shove my cock up your ass!

MAN: Do you want to dance?
WOMAN: No!
MAN: I think you misheard me...I said your ass looks fat in those pants!

Bedside Manner

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers out side of the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I got that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give a lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid says, "What are you in for?"

The first kid responds, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "WHOA! Good luck with that buddy! I had that done when I was born, and then I couldn't walk for a year!"

Top 10 Ways To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

1 - "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer".

2 - "Sorry Officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in".

3 - "Aren't you the guy from The Village People"?

4 - ""Hey, I hope you plan on giving yourself a ticket too. You must have been doling at least 125 mph just top keep up with me".

5 - "Are you Andy or Barney"?

6 - "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer"?

7 - "You're not gonna check my trunk , are you?"

8 - "I pay your salary"!

9 - "Sorry. I was trying to keep up with traffic...Yes, I know there were no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are"!

10 - When the officer says, "You're eyes look red. have you been drinking?"... Respond with, "Well, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"